A Guide For Siblings Who Share Caregiving

Support from your siblings can be a huge help when caring for aging parents. But sometimes, old family dynamics or communication issues can make things more complicated than they need to be. Sharing caregiving responsibilities can lighten your load and strengthen your family bond. These strategies can help you work together as a team.

Managing Logistics

Hold honest family meetings. Even if everyone lives far apart, try to meet in person or schedule a video call. Don’t wait for a crisis—discuss caregiving plans early to create a shared understanding.

Divide roles based on current strengths. Avoid falling into childhood roles. Instead, talk about what each sibling can realistically handle now. One person might take charge of doctor appointments, while another handles finances or helps with errands.

Bring in experts. Contact doctors, social workers, pastors, or geriatric care managers for assistance. They can help you find resources and arrange care.

Keep each other updated. Share information from doctor visits, caregiving research, or changes in your parents’ condition. Don’t let one person carry all the mental load. Give each other updates after you call or visit your parents.

Stay organized. Track medical, financial, and legal documents to avoid confusion and to stay on the same page.

Support your parents’ independence. Find ways to help that respect their dignity, like installing grab bars in the bathroom, instead of doing everything for them.

Be specific when asking for help. To communicate more effectively, try to make specific requests. For example, you might ask siblings to help cover part of a bill, take your father to a doctor’s appointment, or step in for you over the weekend. This clarity can lead to better support and understanding.

Managing Emotions

Acknowledge how you feel. Watching your parents age can evoke feelings about your own aging or mortality. Find a support group or read spiritual or reflective material to process your emotions.

Let go of past rivalries. Old resentments—like feeling left out as a kid—can resurface. Talk things through or choose to move on.

Respect each other’s differences. Not everyone contributes in the same way. One sibling might prefer to pay for a house cleaner instead of helping hands-on. Focus on the big picture and shared goal.

Set realistic expectations. Caregiving is demanding. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, focus on the most important tasks and let go of the less urgent ones.

Show kindness and gratitude. Tension is normal, but be gentle with yourself and your siblings. Let your parents know how much you appreciate them and each other.

Take care of yourself, too. Your well-being matters. If you need time for yourself, suggest that your parents try a local senior class while taking a break.

7 Tips for Keeping Sibling Relationships Smooth

Divide and conquer. Instead of everyone doing everything, assign tasks based on skills and availability. One sibling may be better at medical conversations, another at finances, and another at daily care.

Even things out when possible. Hands-on caregiving is hard. If one sibling does more, others can help by covering the costs, providing respite, or taking turns occasionally.

Avoid criticizing. Try not to criticize your sibling’s efforts. Everyone, particularly the primary caregiver, is doing their best. If you feel she needs more support, be ready to provide it and arrange it, instead of just judging or listening. Especially if you live far away, don’t assume—you need to ask.

Accept disagreements. It’s rare for a family to agree on every detail. Everyone brings different perspectives based on their life experiences and relationships with their parents. What matters most is that the work gets done.

Don’t get stuck in childhood roles. Try not to fall back into old family patterns, such as always expecting the eldest to take charge or assuming the daughter should be the caregiver. Speak up if someone is being excluded or overlooked. Don’t tell the family caregiver that someone else’s caregiving is more difficult than theirs.

Be realistic about promises. Geriatric care managers find that families face two main issues when a sibling loses touch with reality: denial about a parent’s decline and an unrealistic promise never to institutionalize them. Denial can create hard feelings, as siblings may be seen as hindering the family’s best efforts, which can lead to guilt and resentment. Therefore, healthcare professionals advise avoiding making promises you can’t keep, like “We’ll never put Mom in a nursing home.” Circumstances change and are unpredictable, and assisted living may eventually be the safest and kindest option. 

Emotional support for one another is crucial. Siblings should provide emotional support to the primary caregiver. Inquire if they need a break, and occasionally send a card to lift their spirits. Gratitude, appreciation, offers of assistance, and emotional support are vital. Without this support, the caregiver is likely to burn out more quickly and may become resentful and angry.

Stay Connected and Informed

Check in regularly. Don’t wait until a crisis to talk. Set times to review the care plan every few months, and include all siblings in significant decisions. Remember to check in on how the caregiver is doing and genuinely listen to the response; express appreciation for their caregiving efforts.

Avoid backchanneling. It’s normal for some sibling relationships to be closer than others, but you must jointly make decisions regarding your parents’ care in the long run. Avoid having private side conversations that exclude others. Instead, use group calls or family meetings so everyone stays informed.

Decide on including in-laws. Spouses of caregiver siblings often help, too. Agree as a family whether they’ll join care planning discussions. 

When You’re the Primary Caregiver or Supporting One

Speak up. If you’re handling most of the care, let your siblings know what’s happening. Be honest about what you need: a break, financial help, or someone to talk to.

Offer support if you’re not the primary caregiver. Reach out regularly. Ask how the caregiver is doing. Say thank you. Offer practical help or emotional support. Small gestures—a call, a card, a kind word—go a long way.

Understand the toll of care, particularly Alzheimer’s. Caring for a parent with dementia is draining and often gets harder over time. It’s not something one person should face alone. Make it a team effort.

Final Thought

You may have many more years to enjoy with your parents than expected. With planning, honest conversations, and mutual support, caregiving can be a shared journey that brings your family closer, rather than driving you apart.